Always Transcending

Right now I am on a bus on the way to Brussels Charleroi airport heading to Copenhagen, Denmark. Studying abroad in the Netherlands, Maastricht specifically with it’s ideal location, I have had the opportunity to travel to places I only dreamed of when I was growing up.

This whole experience has also allowed me the space to grow more deeply. I’ve been here for about 3 months now and I have 1 left to go. I think about now I am a bit adjusted to living and going to school out here but interpersonally I feel the distance and solitude has propelled me into deeper depths of my soul. Combined with the neuroscience classes I am taking, the power of this knowledge is transitioning me to the next level of my growth.

Though I cannot attribute the magnitude of this inner journey to solely my new experiences here.

The impact of growing up incarcerated, being in solitary confinement before I was even a teenager, being drugged with psychotropic medications, locked in camps and group homes, and surviving on the streets all when I was just a little kid has its affect on who I am and who I am growing into being.

Everything I experienced growing up really impacted my brain that now as an adult I am beginning to understand just how severely it all has affected me and my development.

Studying neuroscience and the brain has affirmed what I can physically feel, my development and brain has been altered resulting in my brain functioning being altered.

With this knowledge comes both sadness and happiness.

Sad, because I hurt for my young self in having to endure all I did which has left my brain to function not as where it could have been if my development wasn’t disturbed.

Happy, because I am finally putting a cause, an understanding on why my brain is the way it is, why at times my past comes back to torment me, why at times I relive the trauma so vividly as if it just happened, why I feel everything so deeply and extreme, why I feel this deep immense pain, but also the key to begin to free myself from these negative life changing effects of growing up the way I did.

In the midst of all these revelations and moments of transcendence I’m hit with the guilt and pain of not being able to be with and help my family right now.

Since being abroad I’ve lost a childhood friend to murder, my aunt just passed away last weekend, and my cousin is missing. I’m so far from home as all this is going on all I can do is talk on the phone and provide any support that I can.

I feel helpless and triggered by everything that is happening in real time back home, with my family and love ones as I’m out here traveling the world living abroad, studying here and making the most out of my experience.

I have mixed feelings about where I am right now in my life.

I’m so proud of myself for taking all the negatives in my life and transmuting them into something positive. Something that’s not only amazing in my own life but inspiring to those who come from where I come from. That change is possible, that redemption, healing, growth and transcendence is possible.

It just takes a lot of hard work, dedication, sacrifice, passion and a deep belief in yourself and your worth to make transformational change really happen that inspires others to do the same.

Now on the other hand I feel guilty, alone, and I hurt for all my love ones that are still tryna grow up out of the concrete, all my love ones I’ve lost to the streets and the system while I’ve been defying the odds on so many different levels.

I remind myself that my purpose in life is for a purpose that is greater than myself. There’s a reason I made it this far, a reason why I have the kind heart, open mind and strong soul that I have.

I must live, learn, grow and flourish for those who never got the chance to and lead the way for those still trying to find their own.

In order to manifest real change we must first change within ourselves and as we heal and change it’s imperative that we help those around us heal and evolve as well.

Only then can we really break the cycle that statistically tries to define why I shouldn’t be where I am today but against all odds here I am.

Just a moment of reflection.